This week is going to be tough. On Wednesday I find out if I’ve been accepted on to DBT and the uncertainty and possibly for rejection, is killing me. I am beyond stressed. Been told I may not get accepted for multiple different reasons. One reason, is that I am prone to get really high and low moods which last weeks, but usually months. These moods could (potentially) get in the way of me attending and being a part of DBT. Especially if I end up getting hospitalised for them, like I have in the past. Another reason is that I don’t consistently self harm, so I might not meet the criteria for DBT. I tend to self harm in clusters, when my mood is low or if i’m stressed, I self harm daily but when I’m happy or elated I don’t self harm at all. I’m frustrated because, whilst these reasons make sense, I feel I would benefit from DBT. I also get along well with the DBT therapist who I would be working with. Nothing has been decided yet and there is still a chance I will be offered DBT but I’ll have to wait till Wednesday to find out. Fingers crossed.
This stress has been really getting to me so I thought that after this update I’ll write a post about things that make me smile.
There is so many terrible things going on in the world. So much inequality. So much sadness. Sometimes, as naturally sensitive person, I get so overwhelmed. I want to help, to solve these issues, but I’m only one person. I can make a huge difference, we all can, but alone we cannot solve everything ourselves. This fact takes its toll. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who cares. That’s why I love the Happy Newspaper* by Emily Coxhead. In a world full of bleakness this newspaper offers some light. Filled to the brim of positivity and great people doing great things, I’d definitely recommend giving it a read. It’ll remind you how many caring people there are out there. You definitely are not alone.
Another awesome thing to check out, is cute animals on instagram. I don’t know why, but something about adorable animals makes me smile and sometimes even laugh. From beautiful cows to rescued kittens, they always brighten up my feed. Noteworthy mentions are Lil BUB (@iamlilbub), Atchoum (@atchoumthecat), Sammantha’s photography (@sfisherx), Cows with hearts (@cowswith.hearts), Patrick Jones photography (@shelterportraits), Andrew Marttilas cat photographs (@iamthecatphotographer) and Casey Elises rescued animal photography (@caseyeliserescues).
I’m definitely someone who spends A LOT of time at home in my room. Recently i’ve been getting out more. Whether that’s walking around in nature or going shopping in town. The weather here in Britain has been pretty summer-y. I’ve been enjoying the sunlight and the fresh air. I’m not that keen on exercise but I do like going for walks. I plan to do more of this now that my depressive episode has passed and I have the energy to get out.
When I’m feeling low in mood, social interactions become very difficult. My brain feels foggy and it’s hard to keep on track of conversations and remember what has been said. Leaving my bed in the first place, in the depths of depression, feels like an impossible task. Now I’m feeling stressed, but other than that stable, I have been reconnecting with friends and spending quality time with family. I’m so lucky to have a few, but really great friends, who don’t take it to heart when they don’t hear from me in ages. I’ve realised that I’d rather have less friends that I’m closer to, than many friendships that are superficial. Nothing against superficial friends, I just like to invest more of my time with the people important to me, who really brighten my day.
Recently I have done a giveaway on my instagram account. Here I gave away a ‘self soothe box’ filled with objects for all your senses and to distract yourself with. I found making this box and sending it off rewarding. I love helping and doing good things for others. While you can never be solely responsible for someone else’s happiness, you can bring some joy into other people’s lives. You might even be surprised by how much it helps you too.
I’ve been baking since I was a kid and whilst I haven’t mastered it yet, I still love doing it. I have a massive sweet tooth and there is nothing better than a batch of cookies straight out of the oven. In the past I have not treated myself to great tasting food, due to the mindset that I don’t deserve it. I have also thought that foods only purpose is to fuel our bodies and fulfill our nutritional needs. While this is one purpose of food, living like that is terribly boring. Food is so much more than nutrition. It brings us closer to our loved ones and our culture. It can be delicious and enjoyable to eat. It can be comforting and there is no shame in that. I adore eating more than ever and I also find cooking and baking therapeutic. There is something wonderful about sharing food you have made with others.
Usually I don’t plan for the future. Thinking ahead fills me with fear and overwhelms me. The prospect of struggling each day with my mood, intense emotions and self harm urges, seems more than I can bear. So it’s strange to be planning events that I can look forward too. Don’t get me wrong I still take each day at a time, but I am really finding it fun to have nice activities to look forward to. One, of which, is visiting a theme park with my sister next weekend for her birthday. Been planning it for a while and it is so close now and i have to say i’m excited.
There are many more things that make me smile and if this post contained all of them it might get too long. What makes you smile? Is it an activity you do, people you spend time with or even an item like a hot water bottle or a warm drink on a cold winter evening. Maybe write a list (I adore lists) of the things that make life a little more enjoyable. Refer to this list when times get tough.